4 months and a new life later

In February of this year, a late winter storm roared through my heart. Long work hours and short cold days made my long commute seem endless as every morning, I left my sweet new child warm and still in his slumber. I could almost feel the tug with every stretching mile as if there was a literal sinew of my heart connected to Jude's crib.

As a tireless professional devoted to my work, I had survived the return to work from my leave and come to peace with the fact that my career would provide a good life for my son and that I could do it all. Then one morning on the day of an evening event at the retirement community, I had the ability to go in later in the day. Jude was just beginning to take his first steps while tightly gripping to my fingers. For months, we had been working on "Mama"... so it shouldn't have been a surprise when the syllables finally rolled off his tongue. The only problem was that on that morning he was walking toward our Nanny when he said it.

I would never advise another to act on impulse as I did, but something just snapped. Another confirmation that a woman doesn't have to give birth to a child to transform her into a passionate, tormented, protective, dangerous, focused, strong, and capable creature they call mother, is the foreign emotions and actions that have permeated my soul over the last year.

My desire to see my son more, coupled with confirming factors that signaled my time for change, granted me the ability to let go. With Tim's blessing and peace from God, I hammered out a 30 day notice in about two minutes the following day.

With no plan, all I knew is that I had a responsiblity to be a better mother to my child... there had to be a way.

Shortly after, Tim was notified that the state budget cuts would result in a high recommendation of his resignation. Thanks to family and Tim's background and skills, he was able to find a new opportunity with an oil and gas company. A complicated web of circumstances led us to Grapevine into a rent house, and over the last three months, I've been able to witness Jude becoming a little person discovering the world.

I haven't blogged in months because before I quit my job, I felt like I missed that time with Jude and was not witness to many of Jude's firsts. Also, I was getting used to the idea of my parents' divorce, and my focus was inward. Sometimes when you are in the midst of life's storms, each step forward requires focus, care, and balance. There will be another time to look up and take notice of where the road has taken you. I have a tendency to not write when I'm shrouded by a dark cloud of misdirection, quandary, or confusion because I may come out with a piece like my ninth grade poem, "Rotting Carnage". I'll spare you from its content, but just know, it's gripping.

Identity. It's a heavy word that has served as the subject of my reflection over the last few months. Do priorities plus time devoted to a cause equate to how we ourselves and others identify and classify who we are? Probably not, but in my mind, if I was a mother for 1 hour during my child's bath time and a corporate professional for all other hours in the day, what did that make me?

I will soon return to work. At this moment in our lives, being a full-time housewife (or whatever you want to call it) is not an option, but I remain open to all possibilities and welcome a change. My priority is not just Jude, but life balance. I want to live and experience my life, my husband, my son, and my family, whereas before, all I had time to do is live for work. I am believer of Jesus and purpose, I am a seeker of truth and reason, I am a creator of beauty and destiny, I am a teacher to my son, I am a helpmate to my husband, and I am a flame in a dark world fighting to illuminate the unseen places I know must be within my reach.

In the ebb and flow of life's periods of repetition and stagnation against the juxtipostion of the terror of change, I welcome the adventure and don't regret a thing.

Truth be told, Tim and I have never been more solid in our relationship, and the unexpected joy that I have experienced over the last three months has been a true gift. What have I learned? You are never stuck, children grow fast, life is precious, family comes first, and it's never to late to start over.